I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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