I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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