I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
