Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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