the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
