my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
