OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
