drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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