1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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