ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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