if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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