my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
