Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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