Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
