You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
