saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
