you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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