Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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