Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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