big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
