there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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