dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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