I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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