Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize