just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
