before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
