I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
