Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
