??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
