I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
i believe in u and ur pee
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
