we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
