Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
