Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize