I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
