I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
