Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
