I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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