awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
