meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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