just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
