im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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