Your tits are I can't wait for
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
