I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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