I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
don't judge my taste in strippers
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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