I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
