I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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