I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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