i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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