she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
