i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
