to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
As shirtless as possible
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
