Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
