She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
