I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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