The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
