if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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