Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
